Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Cathartic Words

7 months ago my sister, Jill, quit speaking to me.

I do not know what I did to upset my sister and I've driven myself crazy trying to figure it out. Jill refuses to talk to me about it, so it seems I may never know. I can't express the grief and anguish I have felt these past few months. Often times my sadness is paralyzing. I love Jill; she has always been a great friend and sister to me and knowing I’ve lost her friendship and love is heartbreaking.

To be abandoned by a sibling is unfortunately not a new experience for me and this time it is proving to be no less painful. Almost 6 years ago my brother, Matt, quit speaking to me. I didn't do anything to warrant such behavior and I was cut out of his life without warning or provocation. Over the years, I’ve learned the reasoning behind Matt's decision to purge his parents, siblings and sadly, his own son from his life. Nonetheless, it was very hurtful and emotionally damaging. Several years after Matt’s departure, I was finally able to talk about him with feeling angry. It took me a long time to get to that point. And it took me even longer to get to the point where I could forgive my brother. I don't believe there will ever be a day when Matt will apologize and ask me for forgiveness. I am actually OK with that now.

Like Matt, Jill is in the process of purging her family from her life. I don't understand the extent of Jill’s anger nor do I understand the reasons behind it. But, when I think of Jill I am reminded of my experience with Matt. I do not want to allow my feelings of hurt, anger and sadness to fester for years as they did with brother. It is much easier to forgive than it is to hold onto feelings of anger. When I came to forgive Matt, my feelings of hurt and sadness did not disappear. I will always feel sad and hurt, but there is a peace that comes to my heart when I think about my brother. Forgiveness is a wonderful gift and blessing.

Over the last few months I let my anger and hurt regarding Jill fester. But, I know for my own emotional well-being and happiness I can no longer allow my anger to grow. A few weeks ago I decided to let go of my anger and frustrations. I am still feeling hurt and sad and there are times when I let my anger get the best of me. But, I’ve also been able to feel peace in my heart when I think about my sister. I know Jill may never speak to me again and the relationship we had may never be repaired. I know Jill may never apologize and ask me for forgiveness. I’m OK with that, too.

3 comments:

wandering nana said...

Oh Ann, I am so sorry. I think the hardest thing in the world is to have someone you love be angry at you. You are doing what is the best thing for you, forgiving and moving on. I have a cousin who will not speak to his mom because she has not said she is sorry... in his mind she has wronged him... in hers she can't say sorry for something she hasn't done. I told him that he will live with regret when she is gone and that the time has come to forgive. I feel so bad for them. I had a friend that did the same to me and I finally called her one day. We talked and I said I was sorry she felt I had done something..... we are friends again but it has never been the same. Just leave your heart open for the time she may come around. I hope things will get better. Hang in there.

Tracey said...

I know there are no words to make things better nor can I understand how you feel. Just know I have had my fair share of family issues and I all could do was hold on to those family members I had around me.
I know it's been a long time, but know I love being able to read you blog and see your smiling face along with your adorable little girl.

Much Love!!

angelalois said...

Oh how sad dear Ann. One of my favorite chapters in the BoM is 2 Nephie 4, and I actually discovered it after I was dumped in college! The best verse, "why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow because of mine iniquities" or something like that. I basically thought of it as this: there is this part of my heart that I am giving to this STUPID GUY and he ISN'T WORTH IT. I finally was able to give it up, since then my whole heart could be elsewhere. Heavy stuff! Good luck with the family matters. I miss you!